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  • Writer's picturejvaine1

My Fist Fight with Anxiety and Depression.

Starring at my phone. Lying in bed. The scroll from one Social Media app to another. All in search of something positive. Yet only negativity rolls in. My suitcase laying in the corner. Half unpacked. From the trip I just completed. One where I was surrounded by friends, new and old. In a beautiful place. With beautiful people.

Many will say and have said. You live a tough life. And I will be honest. I am grateful for every moment that passes. For all the people whom I've met. Homes I've stayed at. And secret spots I have visited.

But there has been something that always left me feeling like shit a day or two after these trips. It was not until a recent conversation with a great friend that I realized I have been battling with a bit of depression. And I was too scared to say anything, because I am "living the dream." This feeling has not just bothered me post trips. It would sneak into my daily life.

At that moment where I though I had everything lined up. Took my CBD. Did my yoga. Struggled through the cold shower. But could not shake this feeling.


I read about it. Along with depression. I was watching a few people on Social Media become vocal about it. As well as a new show that aired last year, "Million Little Things." And realized. I have been dealing with it for years, however as a society, a man to boot. I was supposed to push through it. But I couldn't.

Learning that yoga could help. And it did in many ways. I was still in search of something else. Because the other avenues, the destructive ones, were not working. They were making this feeling worse.

Some may wonder what these "destructive" habits were. And will be shocked that it was something as simple as going on a trip. Not paddling or doing yoga. Shutting myself off from the outside. But the most destructive one, trying to force a relationship with a partner. Clinging onto it even though I knew the outcome. It would serve as my escape to play the poor me card. And not address the real issues that I was dealing with. Yes I had other nasty habits in my bag that I would occasional pull out. But I was always able to realize I was going down the rabbit hole and pull back. But the big ones. Were so small no one ever noticed. And many people, unknowingly supported them. Like pouring an alcoholic a drink.

The difference, they had no idea. That was my kryptonite.

This week is World Mental Health Week and today is the day that we as a society recognize the day. However for me it is bigger. As every day someone is battling with mental health. And often we just think of the big ones. When the ones that we need to acknowledge are the little ones, that are in all of our lives. Today I will acknowledge that anxiety and depression are diseases that I live with. Like many others, friends, family and people I may never know.

We can treat them. By taking care of ourselves. And supporting others who have similar battles, ones we may never know about.

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