Breaking Down the Walls Around my Fear.
My stomach begins to tie up in knots. Feeling nervous. Scared. And anxious. I know what I want to do. But I am frozen. Staring blankly at the computer screen. By default I pull up Facebook.
As if a Social Media platform will provide some insight into what to do next. Then I grab the phone. Begin to scroll. Again searching.
I never realized the reason behind this until recently. Until I began to take on a journey inside of who I am.
The anxious part of me was fueled by a fear of going against the grain. Doing something that society. Will never understand. But something I have been doing for years. But when the time came, I drifted back into my world of comfort. The reason.
On accident. And not knowing what I was doing. About 6 months ago day I started to dive deeper into the self. Learning how to overcome hurdles created by the mind. Tapping into the real power of the heart. As this path began to evolve. I learned a piece that was essential to landing where I am at today.
Self Love. As a man, this was something no one ever shared with me. We never spoke of this in sports. The work place. Or any areas of my life. Not anyones wrong doing or fault, but rather an essential piece society has overlooked for us men. And something I am learning that is the root of a lot of our struggles.
The moment, I broke down this personal barrier, I started to look into the mirror. Literally. And love all the aspects and pieces of me. I saw first hand what was fueling this fear. Upsetting others.
By always putting others first. Even though, "it felt good to give." It was crushing me.
Business deals. Where I was "loyal" and a "company" person. Not asking for more money. Not defining roles and detailed contracts. Just going with the flow. I'd use words like organically growing a relationship, to justify my actions. And explain to friends why I took less money. Or agree to the roles. But then I'd complain about the "deal" I was getting. In time I saw this, indecisive, non-confrontational, unconfident, outlook begin to affect my personal life. I would make the same mistakes making plans. Or even during big life decisions. Never speaking my mind.
The reality was, I had an opinion. I cared about what we did. But I was so nervous to upset anyone, that I would "make it all work."
Until. I could not take any more suppressing.
I would erupt. Fly off the handle. And say not so nice things. Always to people the closest to me.
After the verbal diarrhea episode. Depression. And self sabotage. Would make an appearance.
I chalked this all up to "living the dream."
Then I began to seek out more. Find the answers of the why's. And how to fix it.
Today, this lesson on self love continues to evolve for me. I have noticed a lot of beautiful things from it. Easier business interactions. Stronger friendships. And a lot less anxiety and depression.
It has also fueled my passion to launch my coaching platform. Where I can help you tap into your strength by finding these deep hidden fears.